Technically IN-LAW means "Relative by marriage", but what does it mean or should it mean?
As an IN-LAW, how do you want to be treated?
Do you treat your IN-LAWS differently than your blood family?
I'm asking this question because after 5 years of marriage, I still don't feel like my DIL and I are in a good place. I'm not the only family member to feel this way but I'll refer to myself (I) in this post because it's coming from me.
I am not saying that this feeling is entirely caused by her (what she says/does, etc), I'm certain that I'm also a contributor.
What I do know is that I want this to stop, it's creepy and uncomfortable, and the situation will only grow in intensity over the years. I always wanted my son's wife, my DIL to just be my daughter (as I will someday want from my daughter's husband).
As a MIL, I want to be treated like she would treat her own Mother. I don't want to be called by my first name, I grew up during a time when this would be considered disrespectful. I could never, not ever, consider calling my IN-LAWS by their first names. Even my husband's Aunts & Uncles, I call by their title of Aunt or Uncle. Is this old fashioned, do you call your IN-LAWS by their first names?
Because so many of you are young women (cough-cough), I'd love to hear what you have to say on the subject matter of IN-LAWS. I wouldn't mind hearing from the rest of my aging beauty buddies either.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
What does it mean to be an IN-LAW?
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8 comments:
I'm probably least qualified to answer, and these can be sticky, but you asked ;)
You've got a beautiful grandson in the picture now, so in my humble (yah, right) opinion it's definitely worth working out as many of the kinks as possible to keep things nice and smooth for little Rudy. Sometimes it works well; sometimes it doesn't work well. I'm sure you've seen both scenarios - I know I have. How lucky for your DIL, though, that you want to have the kind of relationship where you treat her like your very own daughter. That would be my pick if given the choice. She's very lucky. So many do not have that and instead get the whole "you took my son away" thing from the MIL's perspective. Gah.
My two cents, in general, having an honest but non-accusatory heart to heart conversation sometimes sheds some light on how each person feels (even when it may appear to be the exact opposite) as well as what each person expects or would appreciate. Just purely as an example, maybe the title thing drives you nuts but has truly never occurred to your DIL so that she isn't intentionally being disrespectful, but perhaps it's just that you two haven't been on the same page, and if so, perhaps she'd gladly address you differently knowing how you feel (I'm just using that as an example since I have never been around you all to see how things are).
In any case, I think every relationship is at least a bit unique because every person is different, but this is one worth understanding and worth making it the best it can be for your son, your grandson, any future grandbabies and also for each of you, so I hope you all come to some sort of peace with it.
OK, that was a novel. You asked; I responded, my fingers need a nap ;)
I understand what you are saying and I want our relationship to be good, no, great but I don't want to be the only one that "gives in" on what's required to make it all happen. I've tried on a number of occasions to bring up the topic with my DIL only for her to make a comment about how bad some of her friend's MIL's are.........maybe I just need to wait it out. It's always been important to me but even more important now with Rudy in the picture. My son has always been important to me but I've never felt that I couldn't share this wonderful man with the rest of the world.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, this is exactly what I was hoping for. I grew up in a different time in a different world and I want to be brought current with thoughts and attitudes.
I'm also not qualified to answer this question as my in-laws have completely disassociated themselves from their son and I - along with their grandchildren. It's tragic and sad, however, we are not the only family members they have alienated.
When we did socialize with my in-laws, I called them by their first names, as my hubby calls my parents by their first names. I guess it's just a new school thing.
My relationship with my MIL was always VERY awkward. Nothing I ever did or said was right by her standards and my hubby was always put in the middle by both his mother and I. We've tried numerous times to rebuild the relationship with no success. I would love to have a MIL that I consider a mom, however, I have seen so much emotional and verbal abuse by her to her sons that I can hardly stand the lady.
My situation is extremely unique, that's why I say I don't really qualify for this comment, but just wanted to put it out there :)
I would love to be close to my mother-in-law, however I don't feel right calling another woman mother. I only have one mother, and that's who raised me. You know how hard it is to be a mother, and you know you earn the title. Everyone feels differently about that though. "Aunt" and "Uncle" are easier titles to come by, in my opionion -- I often get those as honary titles for my children to call my best friends.
What else could she call you? Honestly I don't know -- calling the "Mr." or "Mrs" just sounds so stuffy. Honestly, I don't know what to call my mother-in-law, so I really don't call her by any name if I can help it!
My MIL and I are in a good place now, but I wasn't always that comfortable with her. We all had a rough start (pregnant at 18 and not ready to jump into marriage). After being with her son for 13 years now, our relationship has grown to what it is now - a mother/daughter like relationship. It took time and acceptance of who each of us is and respecting boundaries.
I do call my in-laws by their first names. When I came into this family, my husband's older brother's girlfriend had already set that into place. I don't think they cared for it and I was very uncomfortable with it at first. My FIL tends to drop the "in law" part when talking now and I don't mind at all. I could easily call him "dad" because he's really the only real father like figure I've ever had. (Mine was an severe alcoholic and died at the hands of another person a few years ago.) It's harder for me to call my MIL "mom" though, but only because if I did, I think it would really hurt my mom's feelings. My mom gave everything up for us growing up and still would to this day. And since calling my MIL mom feels disrespectful to my own mother, I can't really call my FIL dad.
Keep in mind that a new addition has been added to your son and DIL's lives. She is going to be naturally a little overprotective of her family. Try to respect her boundaries and their marriage and your relationship will evolve in time. As she grows further into her role as a mom, that will be what will eventually be the common thread that brings you all together as a family. Growth and maturity do amazing things.
Darn, my fingers need a nap now, too. Good luck.
Brandie -
I did the whole name avoidance, too. How funny is that? Eventually I got more comfortable using first names the more and more they referred to themselves by those names.
Everyone's comments have eased my fears tremendously, thank you - Really.
In the end, all I want is a great relationship with my DIL and maybe I just have to change a little.
Thanks Again!!
You'll get there! I guess when it comes down to it what they call you isn't as important as the strength of the relationship, right?
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