I have been on oxygen now for almost 2 weeks and I find that when I go to the neighborhood grocery store that people really stare and move out of my way. I carry my portable oxygen tank in a backpack and I have found that it's easier wearing a waist pack/fanny pack than it is my purse. Today there were plenty of children that pointed and remarked "what's wrong with that lady's face" and the response from their parents was "Shhhhhh." Pisses me off that the parents don't take the time to explain to their children that the lady has a hard time breathing and that thing on her face gives her air so she can breath.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Why Do People Stare?
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Unfortunaly that is done now a days,there was a time when a child asked that question the child's curiusity would have been answered.
it really is a shame that they don't take the time to explain it to them because as they grow older they have now been taught that they should not ask questions about why someone might look differently due to physical scars or because of medical reason with having to wear oxygen. Had they explained to the child he would know and also know that fact should he/she encounter someone else and not have to ask the same question again or perhaps just staring which is so totally rude.
I couldn't agree with your angst more. Parents can be the worst teachers at times.
I think it is more out of their own embarrassment than anything that they fumble around and come out looking like an ignoramus:)
Hi Deb - I find that so sad. When I worked in the school system with my kids, diversity of kinds was taught and accepted. The school even received several awards - state and nationally for their work in this area. Nobody was ever hushed, and the kids were treated as equal by all and each other. It was started in pre school, and I think that is what made it work - they learned young. Hopefully this line of teaching will spread - it is good for all. closed minded is never good - don't let them stop you!
It's sad, but true. Instead of answering questions as to why people are different, now we teach not to question differences, which only leads to a lack of understanding. Maybe, if you feel comfortable, you could speak up and answer their question. You put it so simply, it would certainly be easy for a child to understand and probably make the parent feel more comfortable as well.
sewingmom
Yeah, people basically suck. Sorry that you're getting stared at so much but don't let it bother you. Who knows...if time permits you could explain it for the lazy parent.
Hi Deb, Don't take it to heart. I think that staring is the part of humanity that comes from man's origins. For the young it is probably involuntary and curiosity. In adults it is the toss-up whether averting the head and thus ignoring the person against acknowleding the person, smiling and saying 'hello.'
I tend to look, smile and say hello as I think it is spiteful to ignore someone.
When I was young it was considered rude to look, point or comment about anyone. When out and about children had to be quiet as mice - seen and not heard - and always as good as gold. I'm not sure if it was the same in the US but I suspect that it must have been for many. Woe betide any child who caused their parents any embarrassment - and God help those who hadn't learnt tolerance or compassion.
I think that much of what we learnt was probably because our parents weren't forever watching soap operas, etc they were tending to us.
I hope that you don't get too many stares in the future ... I think I might be tempted to say something if it were me ...
Take care, my friend.
Hopefully the parents are just waiting to explain until you are not right there because they are a little embarrassed/uncomfortable feeling that their children were rude and might have upset you. Yes, the correct answer would be simpler, but sometimes people aren't sure how to react or don't know the answer (I'm thinking more specifically about experiencing similar reactions to my mom's wheelchair, etc.). I understand the frustration! I also think those who commented about maybe answering the question as easily as you did yourself might be onto a good idea.
What were they thinking when they outlawed spanking?
I wear oxygen too, and I don't get stared at as much as I get ignored. I was using an electric shopping cart today at the store and I think one of the employees thought I was invisible because he didn't do a thing to move out of my way as he talked with another employee. I swear I wanted to hit him, but I stopped. I stopped; he did not move and he never acknowledged me. Some children have stared, but I make allowances for them. One child rushed to her mother's cart to move it so I'd have plenty of room to pass, but she avoided making eye contact. However, when I passed her, I said "Thank you," and she said "You're welcome," and then I heard her explaining to her mother why I had thanked her. Most people just moved to get out of the way, but one nice guy smiled at me and said "Hi." That felt really good--I was reassured that I hadn't worn my invisibility cape to the store.
Why do parents do that? I do think it's embaressment that their kids have drawn attention to something they are trying to pretend they don't see.
If they only answered honestly instead of giving children the message that it is something they shouldn't talk about. That way things which appear different wouldn't become a big thing.
I understand how you feel but I think parents who say "Shh" instead of explaining to their children might actually be CONSIDERING your feelings :)
Maybe they are afraid that making a lengthy explanation of your misfortune in your face will hurt your feelings. You might not feel this way, but I think some people will feel even worse that way.
As the the kids, it is instinctive to stare when they are curious. It's the same for adults, except they can control and mask it better. ^^
I know it feels horrible to be stared at, but do try to see the brighter side of it! :D
Vicissitudes of Life
My aunt wears one as well. My kids have never mentioned to me about it, I think they are just so used to Great-Aunt Dorthy always wearing it they don't even notice it. It think some parents are a little lacking on teaching their children manners these days. You would think that they would at least tell them that it helps the lady to breath.
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Hope you have a wonderful Sunday! :o)
Hope that you are feeling better. Why do people stare? Frankly speaking, I would not know why people stare. If it was me, I would just take a quick look and looked away. Perhaps they did not know how to react at that instant. And moving away, I would like to think that they did not want to knock into you?
For the children, hopefully the parents thought that it was rude for the children to point at you and to make remark in front of you.
don't you wish the would make something Borgish.. like they did with phones, now every one wears those ear things and walk around talking to themselves,lol. Days long ago we would of called them skitzos. Today people pay no mind... when everyone is on Oxygen, people will pay no mind. hey Deb got an idea lets create a borge one!:-)
Mamaflo, we want you around for a long time so don't worry about going out in public with an oxygen mask. Too often children are reflections of the inadequate parenting they have received. Since there is nothing you can do about that, visualize it as lint and flick it off. Your health and family are your world, not them. Stay well, Deb. We love ya!
I'd be more than happy to explain to the parents and children that being a smoker did this to me and unbeknown to me also my genetic makeup made it easier to contract this disease so severely and early in life.
Of course hindsight is 20/20 and of course I would have never smoked if I'd known this was going to be the result.
I saw a special yesterday about our soldiers and the disabilities they are returning home with and it opened my eyes to look at my disease differently. If they can so bravely come home and face a life without limbs, blindness, severe burns then I can overcome wearing oxygen.
These men and women are incredible!!
I'm sorry that this is happening to you. And really, I've noticed more parents shushing their kids nowadays, not that they don't want to answer their questions about you or others, but because they don't want to TALK to their kids. Look next time, how many are on their cell when their kid is tugging at their arm to ask a question. It is a horrible fact of life now that parents would rather sit on their cell than talk to their kids. Watch--you'll see it when they walk their babies, at McDonald's while the kids are eating, when they are at the park, or shopping with their little ones. It disgusts me. I wouldn't take the shushing so personally--it is our new parenting style.
Lin, New Parenting Style - YIKES!!! That is far worse than having emphysema! Yes I've seen it all too often but it's scary to think of it as a parenting anything.
I'll admit that when my children were born and being raised that "technology" only went as far as a telephone but my gosh we couldn't use it often because everything was long distance. I spent most of my day keeping house, doing laundry, cooking 3 meals a day and playing on the floor with my two children - I didn't have a life of my own, my life belonged to my family and that's just the way I wanted it.
How are children going to ever understand how to fit into society?
I wish all parents did explain things to their kids. It sure would make like simpler wouldn't it? Yes, it would.
Have a terrific day. :)
My parents taught me not to comment about anyone with a disability. I remember the first time I saw a kid in a wheelchair and I asked my mom about it, and she angrily told me to hush.
But now hearing how you feel about it I will be sure to tell my kids differently.
Thanks so much for sharing =)
~Tellie
When you inform your children about anything, it gives them the opportunity to be curious enough to solve the worlds ills when they grow up. We never know who our children will be.
My 5-yr old has become phobic about anybody wearing anything different, including simple dust masks. We do, however, take the time to explain to her that it is not anything that will hurt her, it is just that the individual wearing (whatever it is) wants or needs to use it for (insert use). I am sorry that you are having to wear it at all, but also that you have the added burden of being turned into a public spectacle by insensitive passersby. Wishing you all the best!
I think you still look great Debbie
Since I'm old enough to remember how life was for folks with COPD pre-portable oxygen, I think those back packs are wonderful. My uncle traveled all over the world with his--actually he always carried two in case one ran out. His much older brother was essentially house-bound. BTW, a young friend of mine spent several months with a "Halo" brace that was literally drilled into his head. (He had flipped his motorcycle and was lucky to be alive.) Kids came up to him all the time and he always explained how it worked, and No, it didn't hurt even though it was screwed into his scalp. One little boy told him solemnly that he should just tell people he was from Mars and everyone on Mars wore those metal frames!
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are, right now :).
Silence breeds fear, and it is sad that parents squash their childrens natural curiosity. I'm sorry that you are having trouble breathing, and that you are feeling better soon.
Take care:)
I am old school and I make sure that the diva knows the answers to her questions! At two years old, she is already smarter than most 6 year olds and has a better vocabulary!
She is also very used to seeing someone on O2 because her Papa will be on it for the rest of his life!
I am just sorry you have to endure this! Hugs to you!!
Hi Flo, I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation but I applaud your attitude; yes our young men have fought for our country and have suffered from many disabilities ... and unfortunately they often get stared at too
(overthetopaprons.blogspot.com)
i guess that's because they don't know not to stare. that's the case all the time. i make sure i tell my kid if she sees something or someone to please ask one of us in private, after we are removed from in front of the person. it is kind of rude to stare and just blurt out. parents fault. not the kids, they are curious.
Ok, I understand the oxygen, but what's wrong with your face?? Just kidding.
Kids will be kids right? I mean it's one of those things were you sit back and remember being a kid yourself.
When I was a kid, I didn't think anything about people but knew some kids who did, it was just the way some kids are.
Next time a kid ask whats wrong with your face tell them martians don't breath human air so shut up or you'll eat him,lol.
honestly I would probably shoosh my kids and explain it to them later in private. I think we all have things sometimes that may cause people to stare. Try having chemo with a big fat pregnant belly. Yeah that makes people stare. My daughter Angel had a large birthmark on her lip that caused many to stare when she was younger. However in the middle of a store I would probably prefer to not stop and explain things to them. They may have questions so I would prefer to discuss it with them later. I would probably tell them that too though. Kids especially will point and ask questions about EVERYTHING...so after a while it's not unusual for a mom to just kind of let it in one year and out the other unfortunately.
Mr New Dilemma - how funny is that!!!! I think that's a great response and not just for the kids!
i think people stare cause they have nothing better to do with their lives.
Some parents will still take the time to tell their children the truth. Most people just don't know what to say without being offensive or rude.
The staring from kids isn't so bad. It's the adults that can be the most bothersome.
I hope you are feeling better soon.
I see a lot of people in the sotre I work at who are on oxygen.
I agree, parents should take time to explain to their children what such things are when they ask, and not just shush them because the childrens questions are embarrassing to the parents.
I can understand children staring, because it's something different to them. A simple "it helps her breath better" would be a short and easy answer. I have no idea why adults would stare, unless its out of fear that it could be them someday. Next time someone stares at you, smile sexy and blow them a kiss. heehee
People are so inconsiderate and rude. On behalf of all the idiots, I'd like to apologize.
I hope you have a better weekend!
Well, my friend, I look the same way and personally, I think we're beautiful!!!
I had my first real session of Pulmonary Rehab and I have to admit that they worked my fanny off but it felt wonderful, it's been awhile since I felt so alive - Great Feeling!! I'm in great hopes that I can strengthen my body (and through that my mind) enough to get me really being able to exercise again even if that is with oxygen.
I want to thank everyone for their friendship and support! I wish each of you lived near me so I could give you a hug!
I agree to you nice story about people stare.
We had the same thing with my Dad when he was alive, people would stare all the time, and these were adults!
I think it comes from a deep down fear that they won't know what to say or do...because you definitely look different. But how wrong they are, and if they are ever in the same situation, they will realize just how wrong they were.
I always let my daughter know and now my grandson, that if we were out anywhere and they had a question about anything or anybody, to ask me and I would answer it as best as I could.
So, I remember I had taken my grandson to Walmart one day, and as we were walking down the aisle, we passed an elderly lady in a motorized cart, and she too was on oxygen, and as we passed, my grandson turned to look at her (stare a bit) and then after we passed her, he tugged my hand and said "Gram, why does she have wires on her face and ride on that thing?"
So, I squatted down to his level and told him that she must need the oxygen to help her breathe and it comes from a container through the tubes and into her nose to help her.
Just then, the woman pulled up to my squatting form and my grandson's eyes got really big, and she said to him, "Your Gramma is right, I can't breathe without it, want to see more?" And naturally he said yes, so she showed him the container in the basket, and let him listen to the little puffs of air, and he looked at me and smiled. (he understood) She also explained that because she can't breathe well, she uses this motorized cart because she can't walk far without getting out of breathe. Then she asked if he wanted a little ride on the cart? He looked at me and I nodded, and I smiled at her for helping him to understand and not be afraid, and she took him around the aisle and back.
Compassion goes a long way, but you have to have a willing receptacle for it.
If I was a Shhhhher, none of this would have worked. But both my daughter and grandson were brought up with open minds and to understand the differences in people and not to judge them by those differences.
Right now, one of my grandsons best friends is a burn victim, who is terribly scarred and has to wear long gloves, but they play together so nicely, and my Marcus makes accommodations as to how they play to allow Caleb to fully participate.
Sorry, this is so long, I guess I got on my soap box?? LOL
Take care Hon,
No Worries,
Kat
That is sad ... but some people just dont get rid of acting awkward.You cant help them . So just ignore .. That is the only solution. :)
I wish parents would explain it to their kids. But I know its easy to be an armchair parent. I don't have children but know at least what's it like to have to think fast about something or to be put on the spot. I know some parents think it is more important to teach their kids not to point and stare and maybe that is what she was doing.
I have to admit, there was a time in my life when I knew a few people who were on oxygen like that, and all three of them were on it because they had illnesses that were directly related to their smoking. The saddest case was one woman who still smoked even though she was on oxygen!! I think that for awhile I assumed that 99% of people on oxygen were on it due to things that could have easily been prevented if they had just put the cig down long ago.
But, later on I learned that there were some people on oxygen that never had smoked, etc., and I couldn't think that way.
Anyway, I think it is okay for children to respectfully ask someone a question. In fact, children learn social skills, and compassion that way. I think that there is nothing wrong with a child coming up to you and expressing concern for you and asking what you machine is for.
Parents often don't know what to say however I think you look beautiful,
Hugs Dorothy
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